Year 57, what I have learned so far

I think I would like to begin my blogging career by stating a few things I've learned during my time on this planet. Not so exciting, but my way of breaking into this, as this is my third foray into blogging and I wasn't so very satisfied with the first two.

SO - obviously I'm not going to talk about EVERYTHING I have learned, but will just offer some basic observations I have accumulated along the path I have chosen to walk.

The first observation is quite obvious if you ever find yourself reading a pile of quotations - life is a journey. The journey's experiences are dictated by the path one chooses to walk and the quality of that journey lies partially with chance but far more by how one opts to be involved in the trip. Quoting the Grateful Dead here (in my profile, if you read that far, I did state that my entire life is a soundtrack, but I think that is its own blog subject) "what a long, strange trip it's been". I have alternately loved and hated it, but I am also known to abruptly (seemingly so, I really did think about it a lot every time) up and relocate myself, starting a new path and consequently a divergent journey. My current state is slightly confusing me, which automatically generates a huge pile of thought and then a seemingly sudden action. Right now I am focused on health, and until that quest has been realized to its fullest, I am bound to remain where I am, walking this chosen walk. This too shall pass and I will be able to move on, as the rest of me is quite ready to move on.

Parenting - I have to say something about this subject, as I see my "children" around me beginning to reproduce. For those who "know" me, it is well known that I had a very short pregnancy, not knowing I was pregnant until I was 6.5 months into the process. Needless to say, not ever planning on having children at all, I had to do what I do best to learn things: I read a huge pile of books and began observation and contemplation regarding this "thing" I had to turn myself into rather quickly, a mom. Parenting is quite the unique situation; I cannot think of anything else one can do to experience this life passage. I gave an incredible amount of thought to how to be a mom, what I didn't want to do and what I wanted to accomplish. Defining my responsibilities was a daunting task, as the list grew rapidly. Deciding how to raise a child, what actions were necessary and which situations I experienced as a child were an anathema to me and I definitely did not want my child to experience; all of these things required a great deal of thought and self analysis, in addition to as dispassionate an assessment I could make of my own childhood; what pleased me and what made me miserable. I came to the following conclusions and hope that I actually did accomplish doing this work in the way I decided was best: I always tried to treat my child the way I wanted to be treated, I always gave her the respect as a person that I wished for myself, I tried to explain every decision I made that was questioned or unpopular with my daughter and I emphasized that every action taken by a person had consequences attached to it that were solely the responsibility of the person making the decision to act. I have always endeavored to provide unconditional love, to be sensitive enough (not my strength) to back off when she needed distance, but to always be there if she needed me for whatever reason; be it resources (very rare) or just an ear to listen. I pushed the importance of education and the value of establishing a style of self learning.

Having said all that, my child is now an adult, and is my friend. I couldn't have asked for anything better than that, really. Having trust issues in my life, and this not being a psychoanalysis of me as a person, I will say she is the one person I trust unconditionally and completely. I am happy to say that she turned out to be a wonderful, intelligent, fun loving, off beat, responsible adult of whom I am very proud. It's all good.

What else have I learned on this journey? I have learned that life is fragile, events are a momentary flash that you choose to participate in or read about later and wish you had been there. People in your life can be transient and some are there forever. I have learned to do what you love in your work or you will be eternally miserable. I have seen that my relentless altruism is a fault that ends up hurting me in the long run, despite my constant need to nurture to replace the lack of nurturing that I experienced as a child. I am still learning that I need to take care of myself instead of putting myself aside to care for others. The only thing that accomplishes is that I am not cared for at all, and this is not the position I want to be in.

I have learned that I have much more to learn, and I hope that I have enough time to figure it all out before I am done. I am struggling to learn now that the opposite of altruism is not being selfish and that I am as worthy of attention as all the others that I lavish it on. I am learning how to be healthier and eliminate the pain that has haunted me for quite some time now. i learn every day that, despite our differences, family has an intangible value that is indefinable to me, but is something that I care to hold on to.

I seek the advantage of community, of a group of reasonably like minded people that can support one another in various ways; that form a group of strength, a group that can be there for one another in times of need. I am not sure where I will find this community, but I am extremely positive that I am not in it right now. I see that this can be a good way to retire from the 9-5 gig, to leverage whatever assets I can manage to accumulate and pool them in a community where I can live in peace and happiness and even comfort. OK, it sounds a bit like a commune, I know, but there are advantages to communal living that will avoid my aging self from being a burden on my daughter, something I am trying to avoid at all costs.

I see in the Asian societies, that the elderly are valued and cared for in the family unit, but this is simply not the Western way, so I seek sanctuary in a place where I can live out my days without worry. Not that I am ready for any of this, but I do think it is going to require some planning and research to accomplish.

Some people tell me that I over think things. I believe that thinking prior to taking action is the better way of accomplishing a long term goal than impulsively acting without thought. I value thinking, as long as one isn't thinking oneself into a circle that ends up forcing inaction. Planning and thinking are things that are my strengths, and I am using them now to put myself where I want to be, doing what I want to do and being with people I want to be with. I am slightly caught in a bit of circular thinking and I am working hard right now to break the circle, to move on and to gain that which I desire.

Changes are coming.

I have learned a lot in 57 years, and with every thing that I have learned, I learned that there is always more to learn. I look forward to every bit of knowledge that I can acquire before I am done. I anticipate every feeling, expect every loss and I am ready to move forward to whatever faces me next.