Contemplation of mortality - Dedicated to Christopher

It has been awhile since I wrote a blog here - I've been insanely work busy and there have been so many losses and difficulties in my life; I honestly didn't have anything to say about them.

But now I do have something to say. This blog subject brings to mind my sweet business partner and close friend, with whom I spent an inordinate amount of time discussing the subject of the purpose of life quite a few years ago. He was younger and struggling with the concept of why he was on the planet and we talked and talked about this for many hours.

So I address these thoughts to him in a way, at least our discussions are on my mind while I write this.

Whomever knows me knows that I have been struggling for about two years now with medical issues, mostly ones that create a great deal of physical pain. I am not one to give up easily, so I have been stubbornly working on these issues; sometimes accepting assistance from the medical community and sometimes ignoring their advice and following my gut as to what I should do to recover from all this pain.

Now I am faced with a new medical challenge; one that may just end my life. So the idea of mortality is certainly in the forefront of my mind and I have given a lot of thought to my purpose and what I should do now. I have not shared this situation with too many people since it is so inconclusive at this point, and I cannot handle people's reactions to it, nor do I have any clear answers as to what is going to happen next. Diagnosis is unclear so far, so I feel no need to tell this to many people.

I find, facing this situation, that my view of life is different now. The things I thought were important may not necessarily be all that important at all, and there are clearly different things that are most definitely of great importance to me.

First of all, what is of least importance are things, stuff, possessions - the things I have accumulated over a lifetime hold little significance to me at this point. It's not that I ceased loving to read, watch films or listen to my beloved music - but the acquisition of things just isn't all that important. I find myself wanting to just pile up all the things and disburse them to people who may need them or may find these miscellaneous things to be of importance to them. I want to be surrounded with simplicity and beauty more than anything. My love for awesome natural beauty has become even stronger than it ever was; I want to hear the ocean crashing on the shore, sit by Sunset Lake and just listen to the birds singing while watching the beautiful expanse of water. I want to smell salt water and the fragrance of flowers; I want to watch the sunset over the ocean. I want to see the black sky filled with all the stars while sitting on a mountaintop in Vermont, where all one can hear are the night sounds there; wind rustling the leaves on the trees, tiny critters scrambling about on the forest floor, the hooting of the owls and the sounds the insects make at night. I want to see the mountain lit up by a full moon, so bright that one needs no extra light to be able to navigate around in the woods. I want to sit and watch the day fade and be in that beautiful dusk time, where the sky is a stunning color of dusky blue and see all the trees in sharp contrast to the sky. I want to sit in Stickney Brook, watching the water moving down the stepped rocks. I want to look at the sun shining on the trees after an ice storm, where the branches glisten with the reflected light.

I want to see places I have never seen before - the stark landscape of the Southwest, the Great Barrier Reef in Australia, the palm trees waving in the breeze in Hawaii and the amazing antiquities of ancient Peruvian architecture, built by a mysterious civilization oh so many years ago.

Setting aside for a moment the things that I want to see and do, what is more urgent to me right now is understanding what is really important about life and the purpose of my existence. It seems that one gets really wrapped up in the everyday minutia of life; survival on the basic level, earning a living, providing oneself with shelter, food, clothing and all that stuff that is needed to exist. While being wrapped up in the details, it seems to me that the larger picture is often missed, since the details are so time consuming. What have I contributed to this planet during my time here?

Immediately what comes to my mind is that I am leaving behind a legacy; my daughter. She is the best and sometimes the worst of me; I put in an inordinate amount of my time and energy and resources to raise her to become the articulate, intelligent and capable adult that she has grown to be. Her existence is because of me, so whatever she gives back to the planet, in an oddly indirect way, I have given to the planet. This strangely comforts me somewhat.

Setting that aside, what exactly is my purpose here? Life is, you aren't exactly asked to be born, you don't stand up and volunteer to become; one day you are born and you are a citizen of the planet automatically.

What have I done to give back to the planet any thanks for the things I have enjoyed in my time here; that awesome natural beauty that I love so dearly, the delight I take in the sounds of music or the well written words of a good book. I think back over my years and try to determine what precisely have I done here of value?

I am known to be way too altruistic; it has taken all of my 57 years to obtain the ability to say no and I have been systematically eliminating all the users out of my life. This is recognized as growth apparently - although the altruist in me still rebels against it inside strongly. I do see that it is better to surround yourself with people that aren't just taking things from you, but rather to cherish the ones that love you and give you things back as well. I am also known to be very generous and I will give things to people without thought of the effects it might have on me long term.

So, ok, I have given a lot of people stuff - what kind of a contribution is that really? How have I contributed value to the planet at all? I diligently donate money to charitable organizations that have as a mission something I view to be of value; either enabling people to help themselves change their situations or groups that help animals or help to preserve the planet. Was that my purpose in life? My daughter calls me a patron of the arts, as I will frequently help artists and musicians in many ways. Was that what I was supposed to give to the planet? I view culture and arts as valuable things; they enrich people's lives and enable people to express their ideas and feelings. However, in the long run, what kind of contribution is that really? Does it have any meaning or any lasting value? I have spent a bunch of time over my life teaching and tutoring people in various subjects; was that what I was supposed to be doing to help? Was I supposed to help develop other people's abilities to advance their lives? I have loved people in my life and we were happy together, was I just meant to contribute happiness to someone's life? Somehow these things, while not trivial, don't really feel like a large contribution to the world.

Looking at the big picture, what really is important and is it really necessary for me to be concerned that I made any contribution at all? Was it a responsibility of mine to change the world in some way? Was I just supposed to be here, working, paying taxes, helping a small child become a contributing adult, giving people love or money or gifts, what exactly am I supposed to have done to justify my existence?

This is the puzzle, the conundrum that my friend and I debated for a long period of time. At that time, I was concerned about his well being and the struggle he was facing more than I was concerned about my own world view honestly. Now it has a relevance to me that I couldn't have imagined I would be here facing right now, struggling to find the same answer for myself. I feel a responsibility somehow, a strong idea that I should have been contributing something to the world community and that somehow I have not done that. It's not that I feel as if I am a complete failure, it's more that I sense that I have missed something in the big picture and while I still have breath in my body, I should work to rectify whatever it was that I have missed.


Here again, a blog I wrote a year ago and didn't publish.  The life threatening illness is no longer, and I have found a purpose to focus on - food politics.  So this self examination was good and my mind is stronger and I move forward.  Hope I will have company on this journey.