So we are past that - months have passed and I clearly understand the basis of my feelings regarding this situation. I can't claim to have fully integrated everything that I have lost this year and all the resultant feelings, however I have a fairly firm handle on why I feel what I am feeling, and a growing acceptance that this particular loss in my life has created a hole that will never really be filled by a different thing than a mother.
However, I have continued to consult with the therapist, because, somehow, cosmically, I ended up with a grief counselor that specializes in relationships. Again, for those who know me, they know full well what a disaster I am when it comes to intimacy and love type relationships. Or, as my friend Linda is fond of saying, "my picker is broken".
So this very expensive therapist is attempting to work with me on something my daughter has been trying to get me to do for years, to say NO to people. I am the ultimate altruist and a premier nurturer, again, trying to fill holes in my life that exist, that cannot really be filled in the way I try to - you just don't get a simple do over in your life...you try to reconcile what has occurred in your life and try to make a life that works for you, based on what you learn and know about yourself. This is what I am now trying to do. Unfortunately, it involves shedding people like dry skin in winter and, after all the losses I have already had this year, this is not an easy task for me. But I am doing it - with thought and purpose, I am shaking off the myriad of dependencies people have placed on me and learning how to be free and happy with myself.
So....eliminating this behavior pattern and the people that feed from me leaves yet another hole in my life - one that I haven't quite figured out how to fill yet. I am considering many ways to do this, but I'm not entirely certain I am ready to fill up the holes quite yet. This type of change and growth isn't a simple thing, and I can't pull the answer off a shelf and voila, magically have everything be fine. I am spending an inordinate amount of time thinking and not doing much yet - except for the sedate walks I am allowed by my gigantic pile of medical professionals, another thing one tends to inherit with the delight of aging. I am working out in my mind where I want to be, what I want to be doing and what process I am going to go through to get all this to happen.
Someone used to frequently tell me that happiness is optional - I think everyone should get to have some happiness in their lives, the pursuit of happiness shouldn't be fruitless and is, oddly enough, one of our constitutional rights.
OK - I read this 2 years later in draft form and decide I should post it - I have not only shed a gigantic pie of people in my life; I have also shed the medical machine for the most part and regained some sanity and extra money in the process. I still suck at relationships, but I don't have all that many of them currently, and the ones I have seem to have some staying power and understanding.
Jury is out on all of this - I press on.
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